Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the mighty...

10. There are now three Van Halens in Van Halen which is more Van Halens than have ever been in Van Halen. It’s like, how much *more Van Halen* could this be? and the answer is none. None more Van Halen.

9. Average age of Van Halen members is now 18.3 so they can rock for at least another 30 years.

8. Refuses to play any crap like “Dreams” or “Love Walks In.”

7. Didn’t have to change his name from “Sobolewski” to have a rock star sounding name.

6. Won’t be shilling hot sauce on tour.

5. Has never heard of Iced Earth.

4. Plays all his own bass parts on every album.

3. MILF!

2. No more strangled elephant bass solos.

1. The kid is a natural!

“He’s only fifteen-years-old and he’s getting laid. He’s spanking it too. This kid is just a natural.”

“If I excel at the speed of sound, he excels at the speed of light. This kid is just a natural.”

“My son is in and Sobolewski can do whatever he wants. The name Van Halen, the family legacy, is going to go on long after I’m gone. This kid is just a natural.”

“Whoever the singer is, they’ll be surrounded by Van Halens.”

“The king of 4 strings and 8 fingers, Wolfgang Van Halen!”

“Oh it was great. I think he has grown up to be a great kid. I think he’s a great player and he jumped up there on the drums a few times during sound check and shit, the kid can play drums too you know!”

“I really have no idea what’s going on. Michael and I are friends, which is why he isn’t in the band anymore.”

“Rrrrrrrrrr, bark bark yip yap, Wolfgang. Grrrrrr arrf arrf yip yip rrrrrrrr Hagar bark bark Cabo Wabo. Woof woof rwoowrrr Tabasco yip yip Samurai Hobo.”

“It was only a matter of time before the Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of Fame recognized one of the greatest and most influential rock bands of all time, whose guitar player changed the course of rock ’n’ roll!
Congratulations to my friends Alex, Eddie, Wolfgang and Dave… The mighty Van Halen! An incredible honor.”

“It’s all my fault.”