Anyway, here’s what I sssay about the album, Good To Be Bad, track by track, sssss:

1. Call On Me
“I’m ready, David’sss willing...”

2. Can You Hear The Wind Blow?
“...but we can travel if necesssary.”

3. Best Years
“I have two wordss for you. Viagra...
I forgot the other one.”

4. All I Want All I Need
“David likesss you for your perssonality, I’m
taking a nap until this obligatory ballad playsss out.”

5. Good To Be Bad
“We’re really, really naughty sometimess, in fact we
haven’t been this naughty ssince Sssslow and Easssy.”

6. All For Love
“Good grief, he’sss even pisssing me off with thiss one.”

7. Summer Rain
“I’m feeling tingly, David’sss feeling damp.”

8. Lay Down Your Love
“You....yesss you, get on top. The ressst of y’all check out our latesst reworking of Black Dog Ssssstill of the Night”

9. A Fool in Love
“I warned David about thisss 28 yearsss ago, but he never
listenssss.”

10. Got What You Need
“A metaphysssical discusssion of the interdynamical sssubtexts of Einsstein’sss general relativity, the Dukkha of Buddhisssm and Sssshakespeare’s ‘Troiluss and Cresssida’ as they contrasst to Cheneyesssque materialissm, yet converge to a dyssstopian but perversssely sssspiritual rereading of Nicaragua’sss communist
sssegregationissm...

Just kidding, it’sss about me.”

11. ’Til The End Of Time
“...or at leasst until we’ve ripped off Kassshmir."

1. He’s an old white guy. Can you think of a great president who wasn’t an old white guy? Thought not.

2. Foreign policy. Senator Gravel lives in Alaska, which is already a foreign country. It’s almost Russia.

3. His middle name isn’t Rodham or Hussein. We actually don’t know what
his middle name is or if he even has one. And that’s a good thing.

4. His last name is Gravel. That’s a bunch of little rocks close together. And that’s what he wants America to be – it’s a metaphor, look it up.

5. He doesn’t like Iced Earth or any buttmetal bands for that matter. But he is down with Mortiis. In fact Mortiis will probably be his running mate.

Gravel/Mortiis in ’08.

Republicans should write in Scott
Lifshine, because those other guys are crazy.

Lifshine/Fiore in ’08.

Huckabee: ‹blink blink blink› Be sure to be on the right side once the Biblical feces hits the Biblical cooling device or you’ll go where there is no Biblical cooling device. Forever. ‹blink blink›

Romney: One wife, I’m enlightened, no worries, America. My belief in an angry, patriarchal, sky-god is proof enough I should be president. How do I look?

Obama: White, frightened, anti-intellectual America?
Fear not, I am politics’ answer to Tiger Woods.

Clinton: Let’s do this, girls! Have framma zamma, will lead.

Edwards: Hey ya’ll, I was sort of poor once too, so I feel your pain.

It’s Ken vs. Barbie vs. Tiger: A battle-royal of the sugar bloods.

ARRMO is a strange gathering. There’s an undeniable weirdness to the members. Quick wit combined with rampant absurdity, with the only thing that seems to be truly agreed upon by its members is a Black Sabbath legacy as the best fucking band ever.

As far as diversions go, and we all know the importance of diversions in this world, I have to say a good USENET exchange can rank right up there with the best. Whether you’re telling someone to kiss your rebel ass, or making some connection in regard to the undeniable greatness of a Ted Nugent’s “Great White Buffalo,” the satisfaction is undeniable.

You don’t have to worry about being on the receiving end of a pummeling, like real life conversations can lead to. Even if you meet the person you told to “fuck themselves,” they’d have to be crazy to take that shit too serious. One would hope anyway.

I’d like to take this opportunity to tell everyone who is reading this, to go fuck themselves. There, I said it.

THE “TRUE” FAN: If you don’t know the middle name of the pet gerbil of the drummer in the original guitar player’s buttmetal side project, you probably aren’t one – a True Fan I mean, or a gerbil for that matter.

THE “FAMILY” FAN: Variation on the True Fan. More concerned with every detail of a musician’s personal life than their music, this species will get really, really angry and break down in tears at the slightest criticism of their favorite artist, …almost like it was their best friend or mother. If you think that nothing that ever happened to Eddie Van Halen is Eddie Van Halen’s fault, then you’re probably one of these. Many are potential stalkers.

THE “ENTITLEMENT” FAN: Another variation on the True Fan, but this species thinks that being a “loyal fan,” posting 100,000 messages on every messageboard dedicated to the band, seeing multiple shows on every tour and having the singer’s name tattooed on their butt somehow gives them shareholder’s rights. Tony Iommi owns the name “Black Sabbath,” Axl Rose owns the name “Guns n’ Roses” and we own the name “arrmo.com,” so stop your incessant bitching about legacies and yes, I would like fries with that.

THE “SETLIST JUNKIE” FAN: This particular species has definitely been created by the internet. This is how it generally works: band rehearses setlist, band goes on tour and plays that same setlist every night, people have a good time rocking out to the songs they know and go home happy. Everyone knows this, even the Setlist Junkie. But the Setlist Junkie will spend hours online reviewing the text messaged setlist of a show that’s probably on another continent where the band hasn’t played in 15 years, and then bitch and whine because they played their famous songs rather than the B-side of a solo single the bass player released in Angola in 1974. Meanwhile, half a continent away, people who haven’t seen the band in 15 years, proceed to rock out to the greatest hits and go home happy. Setlist junkies spend the rest of their miserable existences trainspotting.

THE “ICED EARTH” FAN: They suck. Why? Because I see so.